Time for an update...

Well, there's a long road ahead of me. Six months with a dietitian, psychiatrist, and physical therapist. But yesterday I met with my most favorite of all; the surgeon. Dr. Machado is AWESOME. I trust this woman with my life... which is good considering in about 6-7 months, she'll be cutting me open and implanting a medical device around my stomach. She seriously made me so comfortable. Half the appointment we were laughing. So now that I have a bit of a better understanding about what to expect, here are things I'm NOT looking forward to, and things I AM.

NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO:

Giving up white rice completely - For my friends that love sushi as much as I do, they will probably cringe at this first one. Yep, it's gonna be straight sashimi after I get the surgery. Reason being is white sticky rice will form a ball, one which will clog my stomach hole forcing me to throw up. Lovely, I know. 

No more carbonated beverages - I love the bubblies. So much. Not just soda, but tonic water, spring water, champagne. All of it. I can have lightly carbonated beverages, but too much and it will cause my little pouchy to expand.

Extra doughy breads - Goodbye Savemart sourdough. You will always have a spot in my heart. But no longer in my stomach.

Lose skin - Self explanatory.

WHAT I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:

Having an otherwise rocking body - Nutella aside, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. 

Being more active - I miss so badly going kayaking, playing volleyball, rock climbing, dancing, and hiking. I was never crazy athletic, but I did enjoy doing somethings. And while I still can do some of those things, it's hard. Extremely hard. Wanna know? Next time you do any of those things, strap something that weighs 100lbs to you. Have fun.

Clothes shopping - Honestly, I like the way I look. And I like dressing up and feeling sexy. What I DON'T like is that there are a LOT of great boutiques that don't carry past a certain size. I want so badly to walk into a store, and know there is at least one of everything that I can wear. And not be limited to the ugly plus size isle. Which, by the way, just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm dead and/or don't care about the way I look *note to plus size designers*.

So needless to say, I'm pumped. I'm ready to get going on this crazy adventure. And I'm excited to share it with you all.

Going to take a moment...

I feel like I've come pretty far from this time last year. Last year I was living in a shed, unhappy and confused about life. I didn't have my family's support, I wasn't going to school, I was completely embarrassed of my situation. But what I did have was a group of amazing friends who helped pull me through. I don't know where I would be without these people.

I had my best friend's parents who completely stepped up for me. They gave me a place to stay when I had nowhere to go, they gave me a loan to get a car when mine broke down, and they were there for me emotionally. When I felt most alone, they took me in as if I were one of their own. Many a time their generosity brought me to tears, and still does.

I had my best friends Alicia, Alex, and Natalie. We always had (and still have) a great time, which gave me a mental break when I needed it. Those girls mean everything to me. They were a beacon of light in such a dark and trying time.

I had another one of my best friends, Linda. She really inspired me to go back to school and work hard. She has an amazing life and is such a caring and generous person. I feel like compared to most people, she and I have a pretty similar background, all things considered. Whenever I feel hopeless, I think about how hard she worked to get where she is and it helps me to push through. I love that we can go awhile without talking, but pick up like we just saw each other yesterday. She welcomed me to be apart of her wedding, which was such an unexpected honor. As far as I'm concerned, she's family.

These are but a few of the people that helped bring me to where I am now. By no means am I where I want to be, but I am more than on my way. And I feel like it's so important to acknowledge the people who have helped me get to just this point. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you all. There are no words to explain the gratitude and love that I feel for all of you.

I also want to throw in that although I didn't have their support last year, my relationship with my family has also grown. We are now better than before so I don't want them thinking that I don't appreciate what they've done either. I love my family eternally.

And so it begins...

Ok... so life has been crazy. As usual. But I feel like I'm at the beginning of the rest of my life. To start, I got a car (sexy miata is sexy). I also got a second job working with children with Autism. And now, here's the bigun'... the little secret I referenced in my blog prior to this...


I'm getting the lap-band!


For those of you who don't know what that is, here is a link to a video that explains the process: http://video.about.com/weightloss/Laparoscopic-Gastric-Banding.htm

So about two months ago, I was really struggling with my eating, as I have for the last 3 years. I felt a bit hopeless because no matter how hard I tried, no matter how perfect my eating was, I was still constantly hungry. I honestly felt like I would never be a healthy weight again. Only I few days later, at work, I had called a Bariatric Surgeon's office to follow up on records on a patient. As usual, the operator put me on hold... but this time, putting me on hold basically changed the course of my life. Because instead of shitty elevator music, there was an ad. It was a 22 year old girl (only a year older than myself) talking about how a year an a half ago, she was a size 22 (which I'm an 18 so close enough). She was struggling with diets due to her hunger, and she felt hopeless. At this point, I felt like I was in a cartoon where one of the characters turn on the T.V. to a commercial that is ridiculously specific to their situation. A year an a half later, however, she was down to a size 8! (I think her name might have been David Blaine...) So I went home and did what I always do when I'm, intrigued: research. Once I decided this is something I wanted to pursue, I scheduled and appointment with my physician and he thought I would be the perfect candidate (because I'm always perfect, so thank you Dr. Obvious.. kidding of course). I went to a seminar and decided this is something that I wanted for myself.

So here are a few things. For those who might think this is taking the easy way out... it's not. This is going to be a lifelong commitment. I'm going to have to give up most of my favorite foods for LIFE. My "pouch" (as they call it) will be the size of a beer pong ball, only I can't drink beer anymore (carbonation).

Also, It's not going to be till late this year that I get the procedure due to a 6 month program I need to complete first in order to be covered by insurance. So if you see me this year and I'm still fat, it's OK. Calm down. Understand this is a big decision and takes time.

But if you see me in 2 years and I'm still fat, then I broke it. Or something.

Progress...

So I've been making bounds and leaps of progress in my life. Be jealous. Ok well maybe not THAT much, but I've definitely started rolling a tiny snowball down a giant fucking mountain of awesome. I sold my Cabrio, which was sad and killed a small portion of my soul, but is otherwise a relief. I FINALLY returned a piano book to my piano teacher which has also been eating me inside for the last year and a half. I helped write a roadshow for my old church which won BEST SCRIPT, because that's how I roll. And both finally and cryptically, I had a doctors appointment today that went quite well, which will ultimately mean something HUGE for my weight loss journey (no pun intended). I promise, once I know for sure whether or not this "thing" is gonna happen, I will tell you ALL about it. But there's no point in getting anyone hyped for something that's still just in the works.

So I know this entry wasn't very long, but rest assured there is more to come.

Oh and also, I'd like to give a shout out to the billing office that chose Jon Schmidt's piano piece "Waterfall" as their hold music, FTW.

It's been awhile...

It's been a few weeks since my last post. No, I have not given up on my blogging goal this early in the year. I've been busy to say the least. I started bartending school which has been amazing. There are SO many drinks and I want to get drunk on ALL OF THEM. I made a new friend, Adrian, who is fabulous. I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of actually serving paying customers and getting paid... I know I will get better with time but the perfectionist in me wants me to be an awesome bartender NOW. I mean, if I was getting paid to tell the customers what was in the drink they want then BAM, I'd be fucking set to go. It's the MAKING the drink that gets me. Which is... I don't know... like 90% of being a bartender.

Also, I've been busy with school. I'm only taking one class right now, which makes me feel like a loser. First, I accidentally signed up for the wrong class, Sign Language 2 instead of 1, and didn't realize it until I went to buy the book, at which point, it was too late to find another class to replace it with. Second, Claire passed away on the first day of school so I missed a lot of my PoliSci class. The teacher really didn't help me get caught up which leads me to believe she's a bitch, so the next time I sign up I'll for sure get another instructor. Back to the class I AM still taking; math. At first the teacher came across as a total hard-ass which made me nervous because I hate math so math+ hard-ass teacher=shit time for Caitlin. But once I became familiar with all of his requests it's really not all that bad. Infact, I think he hates me the least out of the class because I'm not totally fucking stupid. Key word, totally. He's actually funny because whenever someone says something REALLY fucking dumb, I catch him smirking when he turns his back (I sit at the front so I can see it).

As for loosing weight... I haven't put as much effort into it as I should. Which translates into I haven't done shit. It's not that I don't want to, it's that [insert excuse here]. But I know I just have to get right back to it. So with the help of my mother, who has done fantastic, I hope to get back on track. HEALTH AWAITS!

A very somber day...

I haven't written in awhile, and the tone of this post will be different from the others. Today, my boyfriend's mother passed away after fighting a long hard battle with A.L.S. Today is both somber and peaceful. While it breaks my heart and I will miss her so very much, it is good to know she is no longer in pain. Over the last two years that I have known her, I saw her slowly loose the control she once had over her body. However, throughout everything, she maintained her sweet spirit, her happiness, and her mind. She was a remarkable woman who touched so many around her. She made me strive to have a happier outlook on life. I would, and still do, complain about my mundane life, the many small inconveniences of my day, and other minute issues. And there she was, in constant, unrelenting pain, with a smile on her face grateful for everyday. I hope someday that I can be more like her.

Rest in peace, Claire. You were loved by so many.

A few days later...

So it's only been a few days and not a lot has changed. I thought I would outline my method. Basically, it's a mix of Body for Life and the Clean Eating diet. But I'm trying to ease myself in so that I don't get overwhelmed and quit. This week I focused on eating a "clean" breakfast and cutting back on my soda intake. Next week it will be breakfast and then a snack and even less soda. And so on. And so forth. I've been holding up well, other than finding a chicken embryo in one of my eggs a few mornings back. I guess it didn't help that a few days prior to that my boyfriend and I watched a documentary about people in America and how wasteful we are with out food. So when I wanted to throw out the chicken abortion I had just performed my boyfriend insisted I scoop it out and eat what I had prepared. So being the fucking champ that I am, I did it. And I remain psychologically tormented from it. 

As for exercise, I'm trying to incorporate cardio, which I have successfully avoided like the plague for the last 2 years. My dog Bear makes it a lot easier for me. Whenever I pick up his leash, it's as if I just shoved his face into a pile of coke, and how can I say no to that. What DOESN'T help is the fact that when we finally go on our walk, Bear feels the need to show every dog in the neighborhood that he is an asshole and will mark their property as they bark from behind a fence. I warn him that one of these days, those dogs will get loose and will remember every time he lifted his leg infront of them. He remains unfazed.

So that's where I stand thus far. Not entirely eventful and fairly boring. Oh and I just found out my former P.E. teacher was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old. Though I would throw that little tidbit in for the champs that read this boring entry the entire way through. Mad props.