What I've learned thus far...

So, now that I've had some experience with the lap band, let me tell you what I've learned that might have been useful ahead of time...

Recovery SUCKS! A lot of blogs and vlogs had people talking about how "easy" their recovery was and how they were back to work right away. I don't know what kind of black magic they were using, but I was stuck in bed hardly even able to feed myself (which by feed, I mean drink since my first two weeks were all liquids). When I stood up for anything longer than 10 seconds, I felt like I had done 10,000 sit ups from the cuts in my muscles. And I felt nauseous... so very nauseous. I could hardly even get my liquids down. One day, I only had 61 calories TOTAL. I couldn't even pee unassisted. And it was like this for a little under 2 weeks.

This is NOT a magic bullet. And I don't want ANYONE to think it is. Lap band is merely a tool. While I am full on smaller portions, and I'm not hungry nearly as much as I was, there is a huge mental component to this that if you lack it, you won't be successful. I'm at the point in my diet where I can handle almost any foods. This means, while I can only eat a little, I could choose to eat half a chocolate bar or a small french fry if I wanted. But I don't. I don't because I've had enough of being overweight, and if I'm not even willing to change my habits after SURGERY, then what's the point? Every day with every meal, I make the decision to choose to eat healthy. I of course am not perfect, and I've made a few poor choices. However, just because I take a step back doesn't mean I need to let myself fall down the whole staircase. And I'm the one who chooses not to.

NO fluids with meals. I have to stop drinking 30 minutes before a meal, and wait until 30 minutes after. This is so the fluid doesn't push the food through my pouch which would make me hungry again. You might think that's not too hard. And for some foods, it's not. But the next time you enjoy something spicy (which I quite enjoy spicy foods) or salty, try to not drink during or 30 minutes after that meal. Hell, try preparing a meal without drinking fluids. Even that is a little difficult.

The weight loss isn't incredible rapid. It's faster than most, but don't expect to lose all your weight in a day. When I was on the all liquid portion of my diet, I lost about 15 lbs in 2 weeks. And that's pretty damn fast. But now that I'm eating food again, my weight loss has slowed down. I'm down a total of 22.4 lbs right now, which I'm THRILLED with, but I'm only loosing about a pound a week at this point. Granted, I just started working out which will definitely boost it, but it's still pretty gradual.

I don't want anyone to read this and think lap band isn't awesome. Because it is. I have not for one minute regretted getting this, and I know without it, I wouldn't be having the success I am now. These are simply observations and things I wish I had known going into it, simply to be better prepared. Lap band has changed my life for the better, and if you are considering it, do the research and go for it!

And so it begins...

For those of you who don't already know (which most of you do) on July 26th, I went under the knife and finally got the Lapband! What a crazy ride it's been...

July 26th- 4:40 am my alarm went off. Not that I was actually sleeping, but that was the official cue to get up and get going. I drove there with my mother and boyfriend, both of them half asleep, while I was wide awake and chomping at the bit! We arrived promptly at 6:30 am where I signed in and was escorted to the back room to change into my sexy backless shirt thing and shower cap. Rest assured, I rocked that outfit. My anesthesiologist came over to give me the spiel about how I could die, yadda yadda (nice man!) and they wheeled me off. I wasn't really nervous at any point (other than getting my I.V.), but when they rolled me into the room, shit got real. I looked around at all the glimmering tools that would soon be slicing through my stomach like a warm knife through butter. There were about five people around me doing weird things to get me situated,  the humongous lights seen in every surgery scene on T.V. hung above me, a familiar song played on the radio. The anesthesiologist turned to me and said, "Are you feeling that yet?" Right as my lips parted to say "No" it came over me like a wave. I nodded and said, "Please make sure I stay asleep." He smiled and replied, "Forever?" to which I quipped, "Maybe a couple of days. I could use the sleep." With that, I gave everyone in the room one last double-thumbs-up and drifted away.

"You did good.." I remembered hearing in a dream-like state. I lifted my hands with another double-thumbs-up in response. I pain throughout my stomach, throat, and chest. I felt like I couldn't breath, and tried repeatedly to let them know that. "We checked your oxygen levels, you're fine. You had a hernia that needed to be repaired while we were in there. That's what you're feeling." I calmed a little, but was still drifting between a dream and the throbbing of my incisions. I looked over and could make out the blurry shapes of my boyfriend and mother, both holding my arm to let me know they were there. The nurse kept pumping me full of pain medicine, making my eyelids grow heavy. I could faintly hear the chatter between my surgeon reassuring my loved ones that all went well, and the nurse informing them of my aftercare needs. Next thing I know, the nurse pulls off my blanket and tells me to walk to the bathroom. I had no idea what was going on, but my mother sounded a bit concerned as the nurse pulled me along. I threw up from the anesthesia and then sat down on the toilet. The nurse removed my smock where I finally looked down to see blood running down the front of my stomach. "No need to worry, one of your bandages came off." She cleaned me up and sent me packing.

The last few days I've had to deal with swelling, nausea, pain, ect.. I'm taking much longer to heal than I initially thought. I do still have cravings, even though I'm not hungry, and it's starting to make me really think about how much of my eating before was because I was hungry, and how much was because I was bored. My doctor has assured me I'm doing well and that everything looks fine. I've lost 9.2lbs in the last 6 days, which has been totally encouraging. I'm learning now that this REALLY isn't the "easy way out" like some people suggest. It's a struggle, but it's so worth it.  

Also, a shout out to my wonderful mother who has been nothing short of amazing. She has taken care of my every need so unselfishly, whilst taking care of her other children, cooking, cleaning, and working. I love you, Mom!

Good news...

Actually... GREAT news!! So remember my blog where I revealed my plans to get the Lapband and how I said I had to do a 6 month program in order to qualify? Well, what I DIDN'T tell you was that I appealed that decision and, long story short, my health group approved it!! So what does this mean?? This means I'll be getting this done sometime between July and September!!

I'm so thrilled about this! I feel as though my life has been put on hold up until this moment. I'm finally going to have the tool I need to be able to control my weight and live a full and healthy life. I'll be able to join my friends kayaking and dancing. I'll be able to go hiking with my awesome boyfriend. I'll be able to go on all the rides at theme parks without questioning if I'm too big to ride the rides. People who don't have a weight problem will NEVER understand what a huge step this is in my life. I'm finally going to escape the captivity of obesity.

Now, I know this is not a magic bullet, and I know this weight loss won't happen instantly. I'm fully aware of the work I'm going to need to put into this. But it's going to be a lot easier without the constant hunger pangs. I will keep you posted on my surgery date, my journey through weight loss, and everything that goes with it. Stay tuned my friends...

I love you Sabrina, and I'll always be there...

Today is my little sister's birthday. She's turning 16, which is really weird for me. I still think of her as a little kid, but in reality, she's turning into a little woman. I thought I would take a few minutes to share some of my favorite memories growing up together.

I remember when we were little, my hair was long and luscious, and her's... well, not so much. It stopped growing about 3 inches off her shoulders, and was so thick it made her head look like a triangle. My poor mother thought she would always be this ugly. And for quite a few years, she was. Now, her hair is described as "mermaid hair." Jelly much?

I remember when we got a little bit older (I was around 8 and she was 3) I hated her. Absolutely, positively hated her. I don't know why, I think it's a sister thing. But "why" didn't matter. All I knew was that it was my goal in life from that point forward, to make every minute of her existence miserable. And I did a pretty fantastic job if I do say so myself.

I remember when I was around 10, my brother Zakk was 12, and she was 5, we were all home alone. Zakk was playing computer games (some things never change) and Sabrina was watching T.V. Well, this didn't work for me because I wanted to watch T.V. So, I went into my room, grabbed my electric metronome, put it in my pocket, and turned it on. "Sabrina!" I exclaimed. "Do you hear that?!"
"Yeah.." she looked confused.
"I think... I think it's a BOMB!!"
"Oh gosh!!" she yelled with a terrified look on her stupid little face.
"Yeah, you need to go outside and hold onto the tree while Zakk and I disarm it. DON'T come in until I tell you to!" With that, she ran out of the house and I had the T.V. all to myself for the next hour. Finally she cracked open the door and asked if the bomb was disabled yet. "Oh yeah, I took care of that awhile ago. But I'm watching T.V. now so you need to go to your room and play in there."

I remember one day she was especially annoying me. I took it upon myself to (SPOILER ALERT) "inform" her that Santa wasn't real and neither was the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, leprechauns or fairies. She found this news quite upsetting and ran outside in nothing but her underwear crying and screaming. My brother finally brought her back where she questioned my mother, much to her chagrin, if she was also lying about Jesus. My mother told her no, but for me, the jury's still out.

I remember when she was in the fourth grade and wore nothing but camo print. Seriously. Her closet looked like she was in basic training. My mother joked that when she dropped her off for school she "didn't know whether to wave or salute."

I remember at Girls Camp, it was her first year and I was a counselor. So naturally, it was my DUTY as her sister to prank her. First, I sent her a "package" from a "boy". As tradition at camp, when you receive something in the mail, you have to do something embarrassing. When it's a package, it has to be something big, and when it's from a boy, you have to do two things. She wasn't thrilled, but went along non the less. Confused, she opened her package to find nothing but rocks and a note from yours truly. Next, I was incharge of arts and crafts that year, so while she was out on her hike, I brought in her bag of clothes and sewed them together, piece by piece, until it was long enough to be strung around the cabin. When she came back, she was none too thrilled to see her skivvies hanging out for the world to see. Tired and upset, she began to cry. This was not my intention and I felt like a jerk (for once). So, to make it up to her, I came up with a rap and sang it to her infront of everyone. It goes as follows:
"So I know that I sent you a package full of rocks,
and I sewed together all of your clothes but your socks.
And I know that it made you a little sad.
But let me explain why I did all of that.
I love to see the smile on your face,
even if it is out of embarrassment or disgrace.
I love you, Sabrina, and I'll always be there,
even if I did expose your underwear.
So give me a hug, and I'll give you a kiss
because forever we will be big and little sis."

All in all, Sabrina and I have thousands of memories together, and I haven't always been the best sister in the world as you can all see. However, in the last few years I have had the privileged of getting to know her better as a person, and grow closer with her as a sister. Now, I love her more than ever and I can't imagine having a better sister or friend. She has grown into such a beautiful person. She is smart, funny, popular, beautiful. She's everything I wish I could have been at her age. She's such a cool person and I pity anyone that doesn't know her. She's gonna do great things, I know it.

Time for an update...

Well, there's a long road ahead of me. Six months with a dietitian, psychiatrist, and physical therapist. But yesterday I met with my most favorite of all; the surgeon. Dr. Machado is AWESOME. I trust this woman with my life... which is good considering in about 6-7 months, she'll be cutting me open and implanting a medical device around my stomach. She seriously made me so comfortable. Half the appointment we were laughing. So now that I have a bit of a better understanding about what to expect, here are things I'm NOT looking forward to, and things I AM.

NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO:

Giving up white rice completely - For my friends that love sushi as much as I do, they will probably cringe at this first one. Yep, it's gonna be straight sashimi after I get the surgery. Reason being is white sticky rice will form a ball, one which will clog my stomach hole forcing me to throw up. Lovely, I know. 

No more carbonated beverages - I love the bubblies. So much. Not just soda, but tonic water, spring water, champagne. All of it. I can have lightly carbonated beverages, but too much and it will cause my little pouchy to expand.

Extra doughy breads - Goodbye Savemart sourdough. You will always have a spot in my heart. But no longer in my stomach.

Lose skin - Self explanatory.

WHAT I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:

Having an otherwise rocking body - Nutella aside, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. 

Being more active - I miss so badly going kayaking, playing volleyball, rock climbing, dancing, and hiking. I was never crazy athletic, but I did enjoy doing somethings. And while I still can do some of those things, it's hard. Extremely hard. Wanna know? Next time you do any of those things, strap something that weighs 100lbs to you. Have fun.

Clothes shopping - Honestly, I like the way I look. And I like dressing up and feeling sexy. What I DON'T like is that there are a LOT of great boutiques that don't carry past a certain size. I want so badly to walk into a store, and know there is at least one of everything that I can wear. And not be limited to the ugly plus size isle. Which, by the way, just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm dead and/or don't care about the way I look *note to plus size designers*.

So needless to say, I'm pumped. I'm ready to get going on this crazy adventure. And I'm excited to share it with you all.

Going to take a moment...

I feel like I've come pretty far from this time last year. Last year I was living in a shed, unhappy and confused about life. I didn't have my family's support, I wasn't going to school, I was completely embarrassed of my situation. But what I did have was a group of amazing friends who helped pull me through. I don't know where I would be without these people.

I had my best friend's parents who completely stepped up for me. They gave me a place to stay when I had nowhere to go, they gave me a loan to get a car when mine broke down, and they were there for me emotionally. When I felt most alone, they took me in as if I were one of their own. Many a time their generosity brought me to tears, and still does.

I had my best friends Alicia, Alex, and Natalie. We always had (and still have) a great time, which gave me a mental break when I needed it. Those girls mean everything to me. They were a beacon of light in such a dark and trying time.

I had another one of my best friends, Linda. She really inspired me to go back to school and work hard. She has an amazing life and is such a caring and generous person. I feel like compared to most people, she and I have a pretty similar background, all things considered. Whenever I feel hopeless, I think about how hard she worked to get where she is and it helps me to push through. I love that we can go awhile without talking, but pick up like we just saw each other yesterday. She welcomed me to be apart of her wedding, which was such an unexpected honor. As far as I'm concerned, she's family.

These are but a few of the people that helped bring me to where I am now. By no means am I where I want to be, but I am more than on my way. And I feel like it's so important to acknowledge the people who have helped me get to just this point. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you all. There are no words to explain the gratitude and love that I feel for all of you.

I also want to throw in that although I didn't have their support last year, my relationship with my family has also grown. We are now better than before so I don't want them thinking that I don't appreciate what they've done either. I love my family eternally.

And so it begins...

Ok... so life has been crazy. As usual. But I feel like I'm at the beginning of the rest of my life. To start, I got a car (sexy miata is sexy). I also got a second job working with children with Autism. And now, here's the bigun'... the little secret I referenced in my blog prior to this...


I'm getting the lap-band!


For those of you who don't know what that is, here is a link to a video that explains the process: http://video.about.com/weightloss/Laparoscopic-Gastric-Banding.htm

So about two months ago, I was really struggling with my eating, as I have for the last 3 years. I felt a bit hopeless because no matter how hard I tried, no matter how perfect my eating was, I was still constantly hungry. I honestly felt like I would never be a healthy weight again. Only I few days later, at work, I had called a Bariatric Surgeon's office to follow up on records on a patient. As usual, the operator put me on hold... but this time, putting me on hold basically changed the course of my life. Because instead of shitty elevator music, there was an ad. It was a 22 year old girl (only a year older than myself) talking about how a year an a half ago, she was a size 22 (which I'm an 18 so close enough). She was struggling with diets due to her hunger, and she felt hopeless. At this point, I felt like I was in a cartoon where one of the characters turn on the T.V. to a commercial that is ridiculously specific to their situation. A year an a half later, however, she was down to a size 8! (I think her name might have been David Blaine...) So I went home and did what I always do when I'm, intrigued: research. Once I decided this is something I wanted to pursue, I scheduled and appointment with my physician and he thought I would be the perfect candidate (because I'm always perfect, so thank you Dr. Obvious.. kidding of course). I went to a seminar and decided this is something that I wanted for myself.

So here are a few things. For those who might think this is taking the easy way out... it's not. This is going to be a lifelong commitment. I'm going to have to give up most of my favorite foods for LIFE. My "pouch" (as they call it) will be the size of a beer pong ball, only I can't drink beer anymore (carbonation).

Also, It's not going to be till late this year that I get the procedure due to a 6 month program I need to complete first in order to be covered by insurance. So if you see me this year and I'm still fat, it's OK. Calm down. Understand this is a big decision and takes time.

But if you see me in 2 years and I'm still fat, then I broke it. Or something.

Progress...

So I've been making bounds and leaps of progress in my life. Be jealous. Ok well maybe not THAT much, but I've definitely started rolling a tiny snowball down a giant fucking mountain of awesome. I sold my Cabrio, which was sad and killed a small portion of my soul, but is otherwise a relief. I FINALLY returned a piano book to my piano teacher which has also been eating me inside for the last year and a half. I helped write a roadshow for my old church which won BEST SCRIPT, because that's how I roll. And both finally and cryptically, I had a doctors appointment today that went quite well, which will ultimately mean something HUGE for my weight loss journey (no pun intended). I promise, once I know for sure whether or not this "thing" is gonna happen, I will tell you ALL about it. But there's no point in getting anyone hyped for something that's still just in the works.

So I know this entry wasn't very long, but rest assured there is more to come.

Oh and also, I'd like to give a shout out to the billing office that chose Jon Schmidt's piano piece "Waterfall" as their hold music, FTW.

It's been awhile...

It's been a few weeks since my last post. No, I have not given up on my blogging goal this early in the year. I've been busy to say the least. I started bartending school which has been amazing. There are SO many drinks and I want to get drunk on ALL OF THEM. I made a new friend, Adrian, who is fabulous. I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of actually serving paying customers and getting paid... I know I will get better with time but the perfectionist in me wants me to be an awesome bartender NOW. I mean, if I was getting paid to tell the customers what was in the drink they want then BAM, I'd be fucking set to go. It's the MAKING the drink that gets me. Which is... I don't know... like 90% of being a bartender.

Also, I've been busy with school. I'm only taking one class right now, which makes me feel like a loser. First, I accidentally signed up for the wrong class, Sign Language 2 instead of 1, and didn't realize it until I went to buy the book, at which point, it was too late to find another class to replace it with. Second, Claire passed away on the first day of school so I missed a lot of my PoliSci class. The teacher really didn't help me get caught up which leads me to believe she's a bitch, so the next time I sign up I'll for sure get another instructor. Back to the class I AM still taking; math. At first the teacher came across as a total hard-ass which made me nervous because I hate math so math+ hard-ass teacher=shit time for Caitlin. But once I became familiar with all of his requests it's really not all that bad. Infact, I think he hates me the least out of the class because I'm not totally fucking stupid. Key word, totally. He's actually funny because whenever someone says something REALLY fucking dumb, I catch him smirking when he turns his back (I sit at the front so I can see it).

As for loosing weight... I haven't put as much effort into it as I should. Which translates into I haven't done shit. It's not that I don't want to, it's that [insert excuse here]. But I know I just have to get right back to it. So with the help of my mother, who has done fantastic, I hope to get back on track. HEALTH AWAITS!

A very somber day...

I haven't written in awhile, and the tone of this post will be different from the others. Today, my boyfriend's mother passed away after fighting a long hard battle with A.L.S. Today is both somber and peaceful. While it breaks my heart and I will miss her so very much, it is good to know she is no longer in pain. Over the last two years that I have known her, I saw her slowly loose the control she once had over her body. However, throughout everything, she maintained her sweet spirit, her happiness, and her mind. She was a remarkable woman who touched so many around her. She made me strive to have a happier outlook on life. I would, and still do, complain about my mundane life, the many small inconveniences of my day, and other minute issues. And there she was, in constant, unrelenting pain, with a smile on her face grateful for everyday. I hope someday that I can be more like her.

Rest in peace, Claire. You were loved by so many.

A few days later...

So it's only been a few days and not a lot has changed. I thought I would outline my method. Basically, it's a mix of Body for Life and the Clean Eating diet. But I'm trying to ease myself in so that I don't get overwhelmed and quit. This week I focused on eating a "clean" breakfast and cutting back on my soda intake. Next week it will be breakfast and then a snack and even less soda. And so on. And so forth. I've been holding up well, other than finding a chicken embryo in one of my eggs a few mornings back. I guess it didn't help that a few days prior to that my boyfriend and I watched a documentary about people in America and how wasteful we are with out food. So when I wanted to throw out the chicken abortion I had just performed my boyfriend insisted I scoop it out and eat what I had prepared. So being the fucking champ that I am, I did it. And I remain psychologically tormented from it. 

As for exercise, I'm trying to incorporate cardio, which I have successfully avoided like the plague for the last 2 years. My dog Bear makes it a lot easier for me. Whenever I pick up his leash, it's as if I just shoved his face into a pile of coke, and how can I say no to that. What DOESN'T help is the fact that when we finally go on our walk, Bear feels the need to show every dog in the neighborhood that he is an asshole and will mark their property as they bark from behind a fence. I warn him that one of these days, those dogs will get loose and will remember every time he lifted his leg infront of them. He remains unfazed.

So that's where I stand thus far. Not entirely eventful and fairly boring. Oh and I just found out my former P.E. teacher was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old. Though I would throw that little tidbit in for the champs that read this boring entry the entire way through. Mad props.

In the beginning...

How to begin...

Well, my name is Caitlin and one of my new years revolutions was to start a blog. A very open, and honest blog about my journey to self acceptance. I'm not going to hide anything or censor myself so if you find colorful language distasteful then leave. Now. 

A few weeks ago, I celebrated 21 years of not being in my mother's womb. Got hammerfaced. It's only proper. I have a dog name Bear (corgi/pom) and I love him more than 99% of the population. I have a terrific boyfriend whom I love to pieces as well. He has a cat we named Kitten who is deaf. And inbred. I'm going to college to get into marketing, but would like to become a bartender on the side. I mostly don't enjoy my job, for the simple fact that I'm a people pleaser and most people are not pleased to get a call about a subpoena. And then they yell at me. I can rap the entire song "Look at Me Now" with Chris Brown, featuring Busta Rhymes. I'm a pianist, but I haven't played as much as I used to. For the most part, I consider myself a pretty self confident person. I have a great family, a great boyfriend, a great circle of friends, a great dog, a deaf cat. I consider myself beautiful, fairly intelligent, mostly funny, and extremely driven (when I want to be). But there is one thing in particular I'm looking to change...

I'm what you might call fat. 

I weighed myself at the beginning of the year and came in at a whopping 221.6 lbs. Some people might be embarrassed to post that in such a public way. But this is how I see it... it's not like you can't tell I'm fat by looking at me. There's a certain point at which it becomes difficult to hide. I got my body fat percentage today and let's say I'm about 6% away from being a jellyfish. In all honesty, I don't have a huge problem with looking like this. What I DO have a problem with is being unhealthy, especially considering my family's track record. So I've decided I'm going to try everyday to be a little healthier, and I'm going to let everyone know how it's going. And HOPEFULLY by the end of this year, I'll be a lot healthier. Only time will tell...